Becoming James
by DragoonLady
Summary: A few words from Sirius and Harry changes who he is to make his godfather happy. The wrongly convicted escapee doesn't realize the damage he's caused by the slip of his tongue, but will he be able to figure out the truth and save harry from himself...
1. Prologue

Prologue

'Harry, I'm so glad your okay' Sirius said enveloping me in a hug. But I was too caught up in my own thoughts to care.

The battle at the department of mysteries was over and a quick reaction from me had saved Sirius from certain death. But a thought still plagued my mind. He had said James. When I had disarmed Malfoy, Sirius had praised his friend and my father saying 'Nice one James' instead of me.

Naturally anyone would be upset to be mixed up with their dead father and I knew the feeling that my heart ached with despair was just that, though with so many other emotions crowding my head that feeling was left numb and without a voice. Instead a new voice took over. One that wasn't given vocals before because it was certainly the most confusing voice.

The most confusing voice said I wanted to be James. And as soon as I heard the calling I thought it to be true, no doubt about it. After fighting all my life to be just Harry instead of the boy who lived or the chosen one or some freak who has no parents. After fighting and trying so hard to be the person I want to be and nobody else. My mindset changed. Just by the words of my only father figure, My wants **no **_**my needs **_had changed

I needed to be the person Sirius wants.

I don't want to be me anymore.

I need to be James.

The words seeped into my head like poison. Voldemort could wait. I had a more important job to attended to. One that required constant attention and focus to perform correctly. So I replied 'So am I mate'. My godfather gave me a funny look but I knew inside he was happy. He'd get his best friend and brother back. And that thought gave me a happiness that silenced my heart ache, the thought that I could make my godfather so happy silenced the voice that I had followed since my birth.

That voice was my own.


	2. Re-edited Chapter 1

**EVERYONE (NEW TO THIS STORY OR HAVE ALREADY READ THIS CHAPTER BEFORE, IT IS OF THE UP MOST IMPORTANCE THAT YOU READ THIS AUTHORS NOTE!)**

**You may be wondering why I haven't updated in like FOREVER, and the truth is I just hated what I'd written and every time I went to write a new chapter I had to look back at the old ones to which I read ashamed then hid in a tiny corner of the internet for 3 long months. Along with having a constant cold and sleep being in very small quantities writing was virtually impossible. I have however decided to go through what I've written and guess what I've edited it again! Sorry to readers who have been here since the start I know I have re-edited and confused the hell out of you repeatedly but I'm hoping this new version of the story is much more improved than the old ones. Hope you enjoy it. And I also hope to start writing again soon so don't worry nothing is abandoned!**

**NOTE IF YOU JUST SKIPPED MY AUTHOR NOTE THEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE ONE CONFUSED BUNNY!**

**Bold = Diary entry**

* * *

**Prologue**

'Harry, I'm so glad your okay' Sirius said enveloping me in a hug. But I was too caught up in my own thoughts to care.

The battle at the department of mysteries was over and a quick reaction from me had saved Sirius from certain death. But a thought still plagued my mind. He had said James. When I had disarmed Malfoy, Sirius had praised his friend and my father saying 'Nice one James' instead of me.

Naturally anyone would be upset to be mixed up with their dead father and I knew the feeling that my heart ached with despair was just that, though with so many other emotions crowding my head that feeling was left numb and without a voice. Instead a new voice took over. One that wasn't given vocals before because it was certainly the most confusing voice.

The most confusing voice said I wanted to be James. And as soon as I heard the calling I thought it to be true, no doubt about it. After fighting all my life to be just Harry instead of the boy who lived or the chosen one or some freak who has no parents. After fighting and trying so hard to be the person I want to be and nobody else. My mindset changed. Just by the words of my only father figure, My wants **no **_**my needs **_had changed

I needed to be the person Sirius wants.

I don't want to be me anymore.

I need to be James.

The words seeped into my head like poison. Voldemort could wait. I had a more important job to attended to. One that required constant attention and focus to perform correctly. So I replied 'So am I mate'. My godfather gave me a funny look but I knew inside he was happy. He'd get his best friend and brother back. And that thought gave me a happiness that silenced my heart ache, the thought that I could make my godfather so happy silenced the voice that I had followed since my birth.

That voice was my own.

* * *

Severus Snape was not a happy Bunny. _:P_

In fact he was fuming.

Not only had the precious chosen one mentioned his _loyalties_ to the dark lord in front of his class but then used Levicorpus on his godson. The cheek of the boy, to humiliate him and Draco like that in such a manner. It was only fair to let out his aggression on the werewolf and his mutt friend. They would be lucky to get away from the dungeons without a good hex thrown at them. His thoughts were interrupted by a voice - in his opinion an incredibly annoying voice - of a certain Mr potter.

"Look Snivellus I really don't care…"

"I don't give a damn if you care or not but I'm talking to your so called carers about the disgraceful behaviour you have displayed. And take that grin off you face right this minute. You have nothing to be proud of! Because it is pathetic, just like you." The spy finished his rant with a glare just as Albus Dumbledore spoke "Severus, I think it is wise if we wait for Sirius and Remus before we start throwing round accusations'.

Then the silence began.

Severus knew even though the Headmaster was not showing it that he was upset by his remarks to his golden boy. But what the potions master didn't know was that doubt also clouded Albus Dumbledore's thoughts. Why was Harry acting in such a manner? In only one meeting, he knew he had changed. His distinct lack of determination to find out about his parents killer so he could avenge them, was gone. Instead an essence of his father showed through his time in 6th year for however short a time currently. Filch even swore he had seen James Potter roaming through the castle but made his escape before he could be apprehended.

Yes, something was defiantly wrong and he had to find out what.

Just then the fireplace came to light as two men stepped through.

"I believe you called us Albus" Remus stated.

"Ah yes, I think there are something's we ought to discuss. Mainly Harry's behaviour towards professor Snape and Mr Malfoy".

"Oh, I understand, yes we will have to talk to Harry about that headmaster, now I think we'll be on our way now' Sirius said rather quickly before his godson got into serious trouble for something he saw as completely acceptable.

They were Slytherins anyway.

Everyone bar Harry protested but it was in vain as the two black haired people left. Remus looked apologetically at the group before following his friend and Harry.

Snape could only sit stuttering in protest at the cheek of his old school enemy, while his godson sat in silent defiance knowing a verbal display of objection would be lost to all ears.

And indeed it would be, as the old headmaster was thinking, with that glint in his eye.

Now he had a theory behind the unusual behaviour. The grin of happiness produced when Sirius winked at Harry, gave it evidence. Now he thought it was best to live up to his reputation as the meddling old coot.

However it took some people longer to work out the truth than others. When Remus came back through the fire, Harry had already left but Sirius told him what had happened. The behaviour didn't seem like that of Harry's. Yes, he did have a certain rivalry with professor Snape and one Draco Malfoy but he would never use Snape's situation against him like that or at least publicly.

Then he started to remember other things, every time he'd seen Harry he'd been acting strange. And this has been going on for a few months, so what had changed to make Harry this bitter child? The werewolf had been accepted back to his old post as defence against the dark arts due to the ministry's disastrous teaching history _cough Umbridge cough_, and for that Remus was grateful. He was happy to be able to see Harry again while managing to make a living. To top it off, Sirius was found innocent and cleared of all charges, everything felt like it was back to normal. Well as normal as it could get considering the situation. But none of that explained - quite the opposite in fact - why he was acting like this. Like James would.

And from then on the similarities and the differences increased. His hair was styled like James' was, he walked like James, talked like James and he even insisted some of his friends call him Harry-James as well. But by the sounds of things they refused to. It took no amount of knowledge to know that Harry was trying to be like James. But to what purpose was it for?

Harry wasn't a selfish person so he was doing it for someone. But who? It could only be someone Harry truly cared about and thought it was what they wanted. Just then a memory came through Remus' head, two in fact.

'Your less like your Father then I thought'

And

'Nice one James'

Both said by Sirius. The Idiot. Remus had seen the look in Sirius' eyes when he saw Harry and knew since his time in Azkaban he wasn't quite the same, he had gotten confused a lot in his first few weeks of freedom but the werewolf been happy to say that his old friend had adapted well to the outside world. Or so he thought. No wonder Harry's been acting in such a way.

This is why Remus had planned to confront Harry - try and help him understand he doesn't need to do this - so he'd asked him over for lunch yesterday, but that didn't go well either. He ran before Lupin could talk to him properly. As soon as he started asking questions about Harry's feelings recently he was out of the door and has never been back since. But he can't talk to Sirius about this yet, he'll just spiral back into the deep depression if he finds out his words caused such hurt to Harry, even if they were unintentional.

Harry P.O.V

The wind whipped at my bare feet which dangled off the tower as I sat hanging off the edge looking out at the lake. I was still wearing the too big blue shirt and tracksuit bottoms, passed down from Dudley, that made up my pyjamas but they did not hold off the cold bite of winters approach.

_That__'__s what you get for being a freak. _I thought. If I wasn't a wizard, just a muggle maybe I could have had a normal life. One without fear in my every step. One without a deadly enemy trying to kill me at every turn. I wouldn't of had to face Voldemort possessing my teacher, a basilisk, a ghost, the manipulation of the ministry of magic, the triwizard tournament, the return of my parents murderer, torture, Umbridge and her 'special quill' and now the suspicion from the people I care about the most. No if I'd been a muggle things would have been a lot easier. But I'm not a muggle. I'm a wizard, the boy expected to do everything. And it feels like I'm being stretched too far. As I look at down at my fathers diary, now mine, All I could see was one thing playing over and over again in my mind.

_Flashback _

"_Ah Hello Harry. Come in Come in, I hope you don__'__t mind I had the elves fetch us some lunch__"__ Remus said happily. He almost seemed too happy for it to be real. _

"_Thanks Moony I was starved. Professor Bins really does go on. If only they__'__d hire a teacher who wasn__'__t dead__"__ I complained. I was proud of how much I could impersonate my Dad. Sirius seemed a lot happier recently. It was my only reward. Knowing I could please my godfather._

_End of flash back_

_**I**__**'**__**d been invited to have lunch with Remus. I didn**__**'**__**t think there was anything behind it, no alternative motives. Just lunch. Well, I was wrong. Lunch he said. A catch up he said. All lie**__**'**__**s I can**__**'**__**t trust him anymore. He**__**'**__**s dares ask me about my **__**'**__**funny behaviour**__**'**__**, like it**__**'**__**s some sort of phase teenagers just got through. Oh yes that what happens to everyone. You get a sudden desire to become your dad It**__**'**__**s totally normal like nothing is wrong with me because there isn**__**'**__**t. There**__**'**__**s nothing wrong with a bit of a change is there? It**__**'**__**s not like I**__**'**__**ve decided I want to be a death eater and to go off gallivanting round with Voldy. He**__**'**__**s mad to think that. But no Remus is concerned and worried for my lack of well just about everything. He asked me questions like do you feel guilty? Are you sure you**__**'**__**re in control? Have you been feel depressed lately? HE HAS NO RIGHT to ask me that! He**__**'**__**s not my father and I**__**'**__**m not his son. I**__**'**__**m**__**…**__** well I**__**'**__**m not quite sure**__**…**__** But that was besides the point, I shouldn**__**'**__**t have to deal with him lecturing me and controlling me like I**__**'**__**m some sort of child it**__**'**__**s not fair. Nothings Fair anymore.**_

Were the bold words printed into a scrappy old book which once belonged to his father, so his godfather says. But it was his now. His to write in and to lay down the secrets he truly hated about himself. It was a sad life and now it was lonely too. Why could nobody understand? Why couldn't they just realise this is who I am. This is who I'd rather be. Without this act I'm just some kid that got caught up in the wrong sort of business, a kid who because of it is now expected to save the world while everyone else lives on without the worry that everyone you love will eventually leave you or get hurt in the firing line all because of being THE BOY WHO LIVED.

I thought life was hard at the Dursleys. The amount of times I thought about ending it was uncountable. They treat me like a slave and expect respect in return. Before Hogwarts, before magic I was no one, not loved, mistreated, a freak of nature. Then I entered this world. A world full of a magic and I thought all my dreams had come true at once, all my prayers had been answered. Then reality came back to bite me in the ass. I was treated well - most of the time - and I had friends who loved me and I wasn't a freak anymore, just a wizard. But that came with a price. One I fear is far too great to be worth this life.

But I have to live on because I know if I died Sirius wouldn't be happy. He would be safe but he would not happy. He could even resent me for leaving him and I don't want to be remembered like that. So I figure If maybe I didn't react to a spell fast enough or didn't move out the way some time or saved someone's life at the price of my own in battle, that would be the only way to be a released from this empty chasm.

But until that moment comes I have to be someone else, being me is too much to suffer through anymore. That's why I act like this, because it's like my godfather's got his friend back and that is what makes him happy. After all he never really wanted me. Sirius wanted his best friend, not his best friends son, and if I can give him that, maybe just maybe, It will distract me from the pain that radiates through my body whenever I think that I'm unwanted. Yet again. In the end I'll always be unwanted. Rejected.

Unbeknownst to Harry, he wasn't unwanted, and certainly not by his friends

"Harry, have you seen my tie anywhere? I must have dropped it somewhere last night. Don't tell her but I think Mione's talking this extra work thing a bit too far. I mean I think she was still working when we went up. She needs to relax more know not everything is about the 'perfect grades'. Don't you agree? Harry?" Ron stopped talking as he realised he hadn't seen his friend today. Opening up Harry's bed curtains he found the place empty. Presuming he'd already gone, Ron went down the to the great Hall to meet him. But got confused when he's not there either. Though he does find a bedraggled looking Hermione trying to keep up with Neville's conversation about plants.

"Mione, Have you seen Harry?" Ron asked.

"No, Haven't seen him since last night. Where could he be? Oh damn I bet he's gone chasing Malfoy again. Come one we better go find him before someone else does" Hermione said, dragging a dejected looking Ron out of the Great hall - and away from food - in search for there friend.

But to their disappointment, after searching every floor of the castle he was nowhere to be seen. Hermione was so worried she didn't even remember they were meant to be sitting in potions suffering though bullying from Professor Snape. Ron hoped she wouldn't remember too soon. He didn't want to be in the presence of the greasy dungeon bat any longer than necessary.

Eventually they decided to go to Professor Dumbledore as he always seemed to have more knowledge than everyone else. Though, when they got there they realised they didn't have a clue what the password was. So it led them to here, standing outside his office shouting random sweets at the gargoyle and getting angrier by the second.

"Lemon Drops!"

"Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans!"

"Smarties!"

"Hermione, what the bloody heel are smarties?! Ron asked.

"Honestly Ronald does that really matter at the moment?"

"Indeed Miss Granger, what it is that matters at the present time so you

would have to ask me for guidance? And be out of class for?" Dumbledore asked as he popped up behind them, previously unnoticed.

"It's Harry Professor, he's…" Dumbledore stopped Hermione there with the raise of his bandaged hand.

"Ah. If this matter does concern Harry, I think it best if we go somewhere a

little more private" he addressed the two worried friends.

Turning to the gargoyle he quietly said the word "Spangles" and entered beckoning Ron and Hermione to follow. Once in the cluttered yet tidy office the headmaster sat down and offered them a 'Spangle' before gesturing for them to sit down.

Settled he began to speak "So what seems to be the problem" addressing Hermione as Ron was too busy stuffing his face with the boiled sugar sweets because of his lack of breakfast.

"Well Professor, when Ron woke up this morning, Harry wasn't there. So he just presumed Harry had already gone down to the great hall, but when he got there, I was there and I'd never saw Harry. Not since last night. So we went looking and oh we've missed potions sorry professor but I'm really worried about Harry. He hasn't been the same. Not since the ministry and …" Dumbledore interrupted her for the second time. "Miss granger, I believe I saw a figure around the astronomy tower, I would have went myself to investigate but I think it best that one of Harry's friends go to him. I think sadly he is still angry at me for my incompetence last year."

"Thank you professor, Sorry again we won't be missing another lesson any time soon" Hermione said, standing up. She grabbed Ron by the arm again and pulled him in a hurry to reach Harry.

"I should think not" Dumbledore replied as they left.

It took them 10 minutes to get across the grounds to the tall astronomy tower even when running, and had reached it's foot when they saw a figure sitting right on the edge at the very top of it. It spurred them on and they ran up the steep long winding stairs. When they got to the top though they stopped (Well Ron stopped when he ran into Hermione's back).

Harry obviously hadn't heard their approach and was still sitting back turned to them, still in his pyjamas looking out over the view. In his hand they could just see the edge of a rouge book, his father's diary, and sitting next to him was a quill and inkwell. Then suddenly the wind picked up and the black quill, which had been given to Harry by Sirius back in third year, blew across the floor coming to a stop at Mione's feet.

Harry, seeing movement in the corner of his eye, jumped to his knees and stretched, trying to catch it to no avail. Instead he saw his two best friends staring straight at him, concern flashing though their eyes. He hurriedly stood up, wiping his eyes as tears streamed down his sickly pale face. His expression like a deer caught in the headlights and he stood there waiting for one of his shocked friends to saying something. Anything.

"Harry? Oh god I knew things weren't alright. I could feel it, you've been acting like a completely different person and I just knew this wasn't you." Hermione said as she ran forward and enveloped Harry in a hug, half strangling him in the process. Ron just stood still awkwardly not knowing what to do.

"Hermione. It's okay" Harry said coughing as he was winded by his friend propelled force. "Hey, Hey, look at me" He asked Hermione as he heard her beginning to sniffle. She pulled away a bit, so she was able to see his face, but still had Harry in a hug. Tears were starting to pool I her eyes.

"I'm fine, okay Hermione, I've just been… thinking a lot about my parents recently and it's not the cheeriest of stories" Harry said to Hermione holding her face in between his hands, than went back in to hug her again. Over her shoulder Ron smiled at Harry weakly, and he got the message _Cheer up mate, we__'__re here for you. _

"I was so worried, we both we're you know how hard it is to find someone around here? Very. And we've missed Potions" the not so bushy haired teenager said, muffled as she was tucked underneath Harry chin. "Oh if we go now we could just catch Care of magical creatures" she said and quickly grabbed Harry and Ron by the hand dragging them down the stairs.

Ron just laughed as Harry tried to keep up shouting "HERMIONE I CAN'T GO TO CLASS WITH PYJAMAS ON AND I'VE LEFT ALL MY STUFF AT THE TOP!".

"Oh, yes. You make a valid point there" Hermione said, stopping turning back to them, going into genius mode and pondered for a second. Ron and Harry just looked a each other and burst out laughing. She soon followed them, and later on that day they would keep complaining of stomach pains, blaming each other for making them laugh.

* * *

Somewhere in the world was a place that was incomprehensible to humans and only visible and visitable by dead souls. The souls of the people who had died and now roamed free of physical harm. In this world sat a young man, - Well truthfully he could have been a hundred years old and still have looked young because the dead took the form in which they died - this young man sat in one of the many viewing rooms of which you could see and hear the world down below. You could not only hear sounds from below but the thoughts of people you knew.

This led to the young man sitting in the booth by himself, while his mind went into overdrive as he read his sons thoughts. Why did he have to die? Why didn't he fight harder to protect his baby and wife. If he had gotten the upper hand against Voldemort then maybe he wouldn't be sitting here in this booth, alone, crying at the thought of his boy being so sad. James Potter hoped that someone would see through Harry's elusion before it did him serious harm.

So he had been wishing for something. Anything to make his dear son better, he knew Harry was not in his right state of mind and that was probably Voldemort's fault. He had a way of getting inside your head and pushing all your buttons without even lifting a finger. This certainly had James in a mad panic and he wished he could do something to help Harry. But for now all he could do is watch, and that broke his heart.

To see his son so divided and distraught worried about every tiny detail that consumed his life. No room for freedom. So for now he watched, as the boy who lived wrote down his feelings in what was his only escape. And the only thing that wouldn't try to change what he wanted and what he had become. He was only glad Harry had friends who weren't blind to his feelings.

* * *

**_Even though I spent hours editing this, please could you point out any mistakes I've made so I can go back and fix them please x_**


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